Mario Vs Crono IN COURT!
by Awesome Will v1
Summary: Based on the GameFAQs Summer 2003 Contest. After losing, Crono sues Mario, believing he's been cheated. That can't be good...


Mario Vs. Crono  
IN COURT!  
  
  
  
It all happened so suddenly. It was the year's anniversary of Sonic the Hedgehog versus Samus Aran, an event in which Samus Aran blatantly cheated to defeat the beloved and more deserving hedgehog. However, people didn't remember it much, as it was the day of the Mario versus Crono rematch. Mario was accused of cheating in his first victory, but this time, it had gotten worse. Within the final hour, Mario made a massive comeback to punch hair-boy--I mean, Crono, out of the tournament for good. However, many people were outraged, believing Mario cheated. Days later, Crono's friends Marle and Magus convinced Crono to sue Mario. Crono did so, and found the best attourneys Squaresoft could rehash to make their former games get more glory. And now, it was time to decide...  
  
The scene opens at a courtroom. At one table marked 'PLANTIFF', sits Crono *a truck drives by drowning out his last name*, the Plantiff. His lawyers team, Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart and Tidus Tiduson, are seated at the table next to him.   
  
A few feet away was a table marked 'DEFENDANT', was Mario. He was sitting, alone.  
  
"Mario" Whispered Zelda, the princess of Hyrule, from behind the table Mario was seated at. "You're going to defend yourself?"  
  
"No-a, actually..." Mario replied. He looked to the door, and incidentally, so did everyone else in the court. "I've-a hired the greatest team of super-laywers ever-a to walk the sidewalk!"  
  
And one by one, they entered as Mario announced them.   
  
"Major Glory! Batman! Seto Kaiba! Ken Masters! Thomas Light! Jackie Chan! And finally...THE HAM SANDWICH!" Mario smiled as the sight of Major Glory, Batman, Kaiba, Ken, Dr. Light and Jackie holding the sandwich lined up. "I'd-a say Crono's screwed"  
  
"Crono, you're screwed!" Whispered Tidus. "He's got Jackie Chan! JACKIE CHAN!"  
  
"Quiet, Tee-dus, they shouldn't be able to hear that" Whispered Squall.  
  
"Oh fine, and don't call me Tee-dus" Replied Tidus. "Even though technically my name is supposed to pronounced Tee-dus, I would prefer if you were to call me Tye-dus, as many people do"  
  
"Fine, Tye-dye-us" Cloud said with a chuckle that Squall added to. Tidus began to grumble before putting on a pair of fancy-looking glasses.  
  
Ganondorf Dragmire, self-proclaimed "King of Evil" who actually couldn't even beat a blue elf with a scythe, cleared his throat in the corner. "The court of GameFAQs is now in session. All rise for the honorable judge, SOLID SNAKE!"  
  
And in entered Solid Snake, with a judge's robes, only with a camouflage print. He took the stand and sat down.   
  
Ness chuckled in the corner. "Hee hee, Solid Snake! That's funny because that's just like--"  
  
Snake picked up his gavel and banged it once. "Baliff, beat his ass"   
  
Ganondorf leapt over the gate and leapt on Ness, proceeding to bombard him with Melee-style punches, as Ness yelled.  
  
"All may be seated" As the group of characters sat, Snake read over the case. "On August 24, 2003, Mario Mario faced Crono--*a truck passes by and drowns out Snake's voice*, and won by taking an allegedly unfair victory over Crono in a last minute victory. In a personal opinion, I liked seeing the little twerp get beaten. But, as the judge, I have to be impartial. The Prosecution may now present it's opening argument"  
  
"Thank you" Cloud cleared his throat and stood up. "Drunken hicks of the jury..."  
  
Tommy Vercetti, Duke Nukem, Ryo Hazuki, Dante, Max Payne, Raiden and Master Chief (minus his armor), all of which seemed to be mumbling nonsense with bags under their eyes, suddenly looked more alert. Duke raised a bottle covered in a paper bag. "Right on!"  
  
"This is a horrible crime. Something such as this musn't go unpunished. It's obvious our red friend Mario hasn't been playing by the rules, which everyone, but Ms. Samus Aran, and that was only last year anyway, has done. Crono truly deserved to be the one getting whipped by Sephiroth. But no, that couldn't happen if Mr. Big Fat Plumber got his way. And so, I feel that you will make the right choice if you give Lrono...Lrono? Who hell's Lrono?" Cloud pulled back his suit's sleeve a little more. "Oh, CRONO! Right, if you give Lrono--uh, I mean, Crono, the justice he deserves and find Mario guilty. Thank you"  
  
"WHOO!" Yelled Ratchet, standing up. Everyone looked to Ratchet oddly. The gun-packing animal gave a sad sigh and walked out of the courtroom.  
  
Snake pounded his gavel. "Order, ignore the retarted thing" He cleared his throat. "The Defense may give its opening statement"  
  
"Thank you" Major Glory stood up, smiling wide. His teeth gave a shiny glow immediatley.  
  
"Oooh..." The audience and jurors 'Oohed' immediatley.  
  
Tidus stood up. "Objection, he's gaining the liking of the jurors for poor reasoning!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Snake yelled immediatley. Tidus looked around embarassedly before sighing and returning to his seat as a few people giggled.  
  
Major Glory continued. "As you can see, Mario is the true victim here. While, he may be moving on and tasting the sweet, sweet...ooh, very sweet juices of round four..."  
  
"Objection, your honor, he's talking about sexual matters" Squall noted as he stood up.  
  
Snake pounded his gavel once. "Overruled. You have a sick mind, Leonhart"  
  
"And although Mario got the pounding, he truly deserved it. He beat Crono fairly, and the Defense aims to prove that Crono is just a mere boy who needs to learn the true meaning of justice. Justice is Mario's fair win, which he won. If Crono felt Mario was cheating, he should've just cheated back instead of complaining. And for that, Crono doesn't deserve to win this case, or be declared a better winner. He was defeated, and that is that. The brackets are done, and uh...help me out, Kaiba"  
  
Kaiba stood up to assist Major Glory. "To build on that...Crono is a whiny little kid. Therefore he is wrong"  
  
"I like your view" Snake replied. "The Prosecution may begin it testimony and call its witnesses"  
  
Tidus stood up. "The Prosecution calls Janus Zeal to the stand"  
  
Magus got up from his seat and walked forward. He was turning red, embarrassed that he had to wear a casual suit for this case. Ganondorf approached Magus with the book. "Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...you stupid bastard?"  
  
"I do...you big-nosed loser" Replied Magus. The two put their faces against each other, growling angrily like animals about to attack each other.  
  
Snake sighed and pounded his gavel. "Bailiff, stop trying to make out with the witness"  
  
"Ooooooh!" The crowd immediately sounded.  
  
"Shut up you bunch of 3rd graders!" Ganondorf growled before walking back to his original place.  
  
Tidus stepped up and walked over to Magus. "Now, Mr. Zeal, would you please tell the court your name?"  
  
"Magus"  
  
"AHA! Your name is Janus Zeal, you fool!" Tidus laughed. "Therefore, he is wrong"  
  
Squall and Cloud both gave loud sighs at this. "Think he realizes he's ruining our witness?" Squall asked.  
  
Tidus continued. "Now, Mr. Magus, if that is your real name...what are your thoughts on this match between Mario Mario and Crono--oh, I'm not going to wait for the stupid truck to pass again. What do you believe is the story?"  
  
"I believe Mario cheated" Replied Magus. "I mean come on, look at that fatness, that redness. There's no way he could've defeated Crono, someone who could stand up to even myself. And not only that, he's FAT!"  
  
"Objection your honor, irrelevant" Batman noted.  
  
"Overruled"  
  
"WHOO-HOO! OVERRULED!" Tidus yelled, as Cloud and Squall stood up. He gave them each a double high-five.   
  
"In spite of your lameness, I change that to sustained" Snake said. "Please Mr. Zeal, no more opinions on fatness. I myself had a weight problem before I discovered guns. But you don't need to know about that"  
  
"Aw..." Whined the three Final Fantasy heroes.  
  
"Prosecution rests" Tidus returned to his seat.  
  
"The Defense may cross-examine"  
  
Ken stood up to cross-examine Magus. "The truth ladies in gentlemen, is that Magus' credibility is lower than the amount of woman E.Honda has gone out with"  
  
"You said you wouldn't mention that!" Yelled E.Honda from the left side of the court. He put his face in his hands and sobbed as Ryu gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder.  
  
"See, this is a j00 chart" Ken held up a chart. It had a picture of him, followed by several words and sideways 'V's. "See, this is how it works. I am the greatest, followed by Ryu, and then there's nachos, and followed by fluffy pillows, Electronic Hulk Hands, Audioslave, Hamtaro, then my mommy, And a 1337 Pikachu PWNing Crono"  
  
"PIKA!" Yelled Pikachu with an attitude, pointing a finger at Crono. (Translation: FACE!)  
  
"And here...past the j00...past Jimmy Neutron...past trolls...past even the stupid ad on the side of the page that this is being posted in..." The audience gave a gasp at this, making Ken involuntarily make a satisfied smirk. "Is Magus' credibility. And as I am awesome, my j00 list is the greatest. Therefore, I win. The Defense rests"  
  
"Will the Prosecution rebuttal?" Asked Judge Snake.  
  
"Yes" Squall stood up. Cloud and Tidus gave loud sighs, knowing they were doomed. Squall walked over to Ken. "Now, Mr. Masters, as funny as that sounds, this is no laughing matter. No, not like that episode of Family Guy with the stupid call. But what's not a stupid call, is this: what you made is a stupid call. And I know a lot about stupid calls"  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
Squall was sitting on his couch in his underwear and socks, with a bowl of cereal on his lap.  
  
"Hey, Lois?" Asked Peter on the television. "I can't take out the trash today. I uh...have to stay late at the office"  
  
"Peter, you're in the kitchen, I can see you from here" Lois replied, looking into the kitchen where Peter was standing with the phone.  
  
Peter took a step to the right. "Now can you see me?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Okay, NOW I'm at the office"  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
"Ahahaha! Now he's at the office!" Squall laughed. "Oh man, that was a classic. Uh, anyway...Ken, is it true that you pronounce the word 'Pwn' as Puwn, trying to mask the fact that there is no O, instead of pronounced it pown, as it should be"  
  
"I...uh..." Ken looked both ways helplessly.  
  
"SAY IT!"  
  
"YES!" Ken yelled, his voice breaking. He broke into tears. "I'm so ashamed..."  
  
"I KNEW it!" Squall grinned confidently. "The Prosecution rests once again"  
  
Snake sighed and banged his gavel. "Prosecution...I'm almost afraid to give you the offer, but...you may call up your next witness"  
  
"Great" Cloud stood up. "I call Mr. CLOUD STRIFE to the stand!" The audience gasped as Cloud walked into the witnesses chair.  
  
Ganondorf walked forward. "You nut...do you swear to tell the...you know how it goes"  
  
"Yes"   
  
Cloud grinned. "Now, Mr. Strife...you were participating in this years contest, were you not?" Cloud leapt back into the witness' chair. "I was" Cloud leapt out of the chair back onto the floor. "And tell me, what place did you come in?" Cloud ran back to the chair. "First place" Back to the floor. "And who was it you defeated?" Once again, Cloud stepped into the chair. "I defeated CATS..."  
  
"ALL YOUR LIE ARE BELONG TO CLOUD!" Yelled CATS, jumping onto his seat.  
  
Snake slammed his gavel. "Bailiff"  
  
"YOU CANNOT DO TAKE ME AWAY!" Yelled CATS. "You are on the path to destruction, Ganondork! I was going to witness!"  
  
"Please continue, Mister Strife" Cloud went back into the chair. "I defeated CATS, Auron, Bowser, Sonic the Hedgehog, Link and Sephiroth" Dashed back to the floor. "Or DID YOU?!" Trembling, Cloud returned to the chair. "What...what do you mean?" "Oh, like you didn't know?! Maybe YOU cheated, just like you CHEATED against Mario!" "B-but he won!" "Oh did he?! Or maybe he was SO much better than you, your cheating ways couldn't even do it!" "B-bu-bu-bu..." "I THOUGHT SO! Ohhh, look at me, I'm Cloud Strife, I'm gonna cheat, oh wait, Mario killed me, boo hoo! I'm gonna cheat worse this year!" "But I..." "Your honor, this man is a FOOL!" "I didn't mean to!" Cloud put his head on the desk in front of him and began to cry loudly. He then leapt back out onto the floor. "See? Mario can win fair and square over a CHEATING champion. No further questions"  
  
Snake sighed loudly and put his hand on his forehead. "Fifteen minute recess. You may want to stay inside though. El niño is raging. And as you know, el niño is Spanish for...the niño" He pounded his gavel. "Court is dismissed"  
  
LATERISH  
  
"Man, that was some awesome stuff Jackie did!" Tidus said as he, Cloud and Squall settled back at the Prosecution table.  
  
"Yeah, I pity anyone who missed it" Agreed Squall.  
  
Snake pounded his gavel. "All right. Prosecution, you may call up your next witnesses"  
  
Cloud stood up. "I got it this time..." He whispered to Squall and Tidus with a grin. "I call to the stand...HAMTARO HARUNA!"  
  
The crowd gasped and turned, as into the court came a small, orange hamster.  
  
"Oh no! They got Hamtaro!" Gasped Dr. Light. "We are doomed..."  
  
"Doomed!" Gasped Jackie.  
  
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" Cried the Ham Sandwich in a British accent. Everyone stared. "Oh come on, they got a freaking Hamster as a witness and you're surprised by a talking sandwich?  
  
"Put your right paw up" Ganondorf said, kneeling. Hamtaro couldn't reach. "Judge Snake, he doesn't fit"  
  
"Baliff, blow up the witness"  
  
"Goodie!" Ganondorf chuckled, forming dark energy in his hands.  
  
"In size!" He clarified.  
  
"Aw..." Groaned Ganondorf. He waved his hands and with a poof, Hamtaro was about two feet tall. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"  
  
"I do" Replied Hamtaro.  
  
"Now, Hamtaro..." Cloud began. "Is it true that you were at the tournament"  
  
"Yes I was. Kush kush" Hamtaro rubbed his face.  
  
"Aww..." Said the audience in unison. Ken slapped his forehead and shook his head, as Jackie gave a sigh and Kaiba groaned.   
  
"What are your thoughts on the outcome, Mr. Hamtaro?"  
  
"Mario shouldn't have won. Crono was winning, and then Mario beat him. It was a mean thing to do. Ticky ticky" He began to walk around the seat, rallying up more 'Awww's from the audience, with disastified expressions from Dr. Light, Major Glory and Batman.  
  
Cloud smirked. "The Prosecution rests"  
  
"Wasn't he just adorable?" Raiden asked the rest of the jury with a...oddly happy expression.  
  
"The Defense may cross examine..."  
  
"Mr. Hamtaro..." Asked the Ham Sandwich with the British accent. "Is it true that you abused Bijou?"  
  
"No...it was THAT guy!" He yelled, pointing to Kaiba. "He hit Maria and didn't let Bijou have any food!" The audience gasped.  
  
"It was...an experiment?" Asked Kaiba with little hope. The audience began to boo and throw crap at him. (Not literal crap, just a lot of trash).  
  
Snake pounded his gavel. "Order, order! If you're going to throw crap at Mr. Kaiba, you're going to need to throw only biodegradable things. No more styrofoam" Kaiba sighed loudly as more garbage came at him.  
  
"The Defense rests..." Sighed the Sandwich. "Kaiba, you make me sick"  
  
"Does the Prosecution have any more witnesses?" Asked Solid Snake.  
  
"No" Replied Squall. He whispered to Squall and Tidus. "We had Hamtaro, it's in the bag!"  
  
"All right then...now...the Defense may call up its witnesses"  
  
Major Glory took a long sigh. "All right, this is it...the Defense calls..."  
  
"Shadow the Hedgehog!"  
  
The black hedgehog walked up to the stand, and took a quick oath from Ganondorf.  
  
"Now, Mr. Hedgehog..." Began Major Glory. "Is it true that you faced and lost to Mr. Mario in the past Summer Contest?"  
  
"Yes, yes it is" Shadow replied. "And by the way, you got your underwear on the outside"  
  
"It's only one of them" Replied Major Glory. "Anyway, Mario defeated you. Now tell me, did you suspect any cheating going on during your match?"  
  
"No cheating from him" Replied the hedgehog. He began to boast. "But I cheated. I hired a bunch of people to throw these invisible javelin's at his butt. The surprise is they only hit about half the time! It's like THIS big!" He stretched his arms out wide. "How can you miss that?!"  
  
"Objection!" Mario stood up.  
  
"He's YOUR witness!" Snake yelled.  
  
"I know, but that hurt..." Mario uttered a whimper, sitting down.   
  
"The Defense rests" Major Glory took a seat then took a sip of water from his cup. He then took Ken's cup and drank it down, then snatched the whole jug of water and downed it.  
  
"Does the Defense have any more witnesses?" Asked Snake.  
  
"Yes" Dr. Light stood up. "The Defense calls Jimi Hendrix to the stand!"  
  
Kaiba tapped Dr. Light on the shoulder and whispered something.  
  
"He what?! When did that happen?!" Asked Dr. Light. The courtroom collectively sighed.  
  
"We have no further witnesses, your honor" Batman noted.  
  
"Very well then" Snake turned to the Jury. "Do you drunken hicks have a verdict?"  
  
"Yes" Tommy stood up with a hiccup, then cleared his throat. "We, the drunken hicks of the jury find Mario Mario...GUILTY!"  
  
"Oh no!" Gasped Mario.  
  
"Oh no!" Gasped Luigi and Peach.  
  
"Oh no!" Gasped Mario's lawyers.  
  
A loud crash signaled the Kool-Aid guy's entrance. "Oh yeah!"  
  
"Kool-Aid, I'm parched!" Ganondorf grabbed the Kool-Aid Man and drank down the drink as he yelled loudly.  
  
"That's one mug you don't want to chug" Duffman said as he stood up. "Ohhhhh no!"  
  
"Let's celebrate!" Magus yelled as he, Frog, Lucca, Marle, Robo and Ayla ran forward to Crono while his lawyers congratulated him.  
  
The audience began to sing in unison. "GO! GO! GO! GO! GO CRONO! IT'S YA BIRTHDAY! WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S--"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Screamed a British accent. Everyone looked to the Ham Sandwich, who just gave a sandwich-style shrug. Everyone looked around, until they all saw the source of it. Crono. "Would you all just SHUT UP?!" He screamed. "I'm sick of all of you, and your stupid rap! Why don't you try spending five ****ing years riding popularity off of one ****ing game and having to do that stupid game time after time, paired with a stupid 3-foot tall pile of slime you call a Frog--"  
  
Frog let out an offended sigh and fell over, sobbing silently.  
  
"A stupid, blue overhyped elf with a freaking scythe, an amazoness that looks like Zangief, a nerd who pisses me off, and robot that makes even C-3PO look smart! Sure, Marle's okay, but I CAN'T STAND THEM! I DON'T LIKE BEING YOUR CHRONO TRIGGER IDOL, AND I CAN'T STAND BEING IN YOUR STUPID TRIAL! IT'S PISSING ME OFF! I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHARACTER BATTLES, AND I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THE VERDICT! I JUST WANT SOME PEACE! SO JUST--BSHUT! UP/B!"  
  
Everyone sat there, staring blankly as the temper tantrum Crono had just let out. Crono fell to his chair, sobbing loudly. "My life...is a lie..."  
  
A few minutes of silence passed, before someone finally spoke up to break the silence. "Well, that was unexpected" Everyone turned to the Ham Sandwich, staring blankly. "What?"  
  
"It's collective silence, you fool!" Stated Ken. "Now you will pay for breaking it!"  
  
"W-what are you doing?!" Yelled the Sandwich as Ken picked it up. Grinning evilly, Ken squirted some sprayo-mayo onto the sandwich and promptly gulped it down. "Mmm...meaty"  
  
"CANNIBAL!" Screamed a British accent from inside Ken, but was quickly followed by a scream and then more silence.  
  
Snake looked furious. "All right, I could barely tolerate you before, and now--"  
  
"SHUT YOUR ****ING FACE, YOU STUPID GUILE WANNABE WITH A FREAKING GUN!"  
  
"Oh, that is IT!" Snake growled, pounding his gavel so hard that part of the desk cracked. "Due to your being a pissy like whiner, I find Mario not guilty! Not only that, but Crono is going to serve one year in jail until the next character battle, where he is going to be demoted to a 16 seed and put against Samus Aran!"  
  
"Samus, a 1-seed?" Whispered Batman.  
  
"Just about anyone can get a 1-seed these days" Major Glory replied. "Look at the 1-seed in the West Division!"  
  
Luckily for Major Glory, Snake didn't hear this over his own sentencing. "And not only that, but I sentence Crono, his three stupid lawyers, and the rest of his Chrono Trigger crew to pay Mario and his lawyers one million dollars!" He hit his gavel again.  
  
Cloud, Squall, Tidus, Magus, Frog, Lucca, Marle and Ayla were crowded around the Prosecution table, while Robo stood on the outside and Crono stood with his arms crossed.  
  
"We only have 80,000" Cloud reported.  
  
"Hm..." Solid Snake put his hands on his chin, thinking.  
  
Moments later, along with the money on the table, was piled a Buster Sword, a Gunblade, Tidus' sword, a scythe, Frog's blade, several machines, Robo, jewelry and a katana, all on top of a large pile of clothes. Cloud, Squall, Tidus, Magus, Frog, Lucca, Marle, Ayla and Crono stood, shivering in their underwear (even Ayla had small garments under what she normally wore).  
  
"Hm..." Snake pressed a few buttons on his calculator. He now had a pencil on his ear and glasses on. "This only comes out to 99,843. You gotta hand over what's left"  
  
They all gasped. Finally, Cloud, Squall and Tidus stepped forward and put their hands on their boxers. "Well, goodbye boxers...it was nice knowing you" Cloud whispered.  
  
"NOT YOU!" Snake yelled quickly. Everyone in the court quickly gave sighs of relief. He then pointed to Lucca, Marle and Ayla. "Them"  
  
All the males in the court were heard chuckling at this. The three girls sighed and reached behind their backs and unhooked their bras. They then--  
  
*NEWS FLASH!*  
  
SC2 Announcer: We interrupt this arousing court turnout for a special announcement! Pichu, the beloved Pokémon, was arrested today after a bag of cocaine was discovered in his suitcase. We go to CATS with more information.  
  
CATS: How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. And all your jail are belong to Pichu. Pichu is at jail. Pichu is going to court. Which I will be at, and NOT be removed from by Ganondork.  
  
SC2 Announcer: I'm the Soul Calibur 2 announcer, wishing you a nice day.  
  
*BACK AT THE COURT...*  
  
"You haven't heard the last of us!" Roared Crono, holding out his arms, which conveniently blocked view of Lucca and Marle in the distance behind him with his lawyers and the rest of the Chrono Crew. "I'LL GET YOU BACK, SOLID SNAKE! YOU, AND MARIO, AND THE HAM SANDWICH! I'LL GET MY CLOTHES AND SWORD! YOU'LL PAY! AND YOU'LL SQUEAL LIKE THE BLOODY PIGS YOU ARE! PIGS! PIIIIIIGS! AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!" With that, he smashed the door closed. "Ow! I closed it on my bloody foot!" He was heard yelling.  
  
And that was the end. With that, Mario was declared innocent as the winner of third round match of the Great Character Battle II of 2003. Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they? 


End file.
